SCFrankles

Taking Comedy Seriously

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The Woman With Three Heads by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

The Woman With Three Heads

Mara was used to weird things happening to her. And now here on vacation in Britain where they thought ‘Penguin’ was an appropriate brand name for a chocolate cookie, honestly she had been prepared for anything. It was still a bit of a surprise though. Wandering around London’s Natural History Museum… Stopping to casually examine a tableau of stuffed foxes and cubs… Spotting two marble heads tucked behind the vixen—one in a woollen hat and the other in sunglasses, and the two of them arguing together in hushed tones... “Everything… okay there, guys?” she asked. The two heads froze. Then

Hidden Away by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Hidden Away

Ewart strode through the lush countryside. It truly was wonderful to be getting away from everything, and to be staying in a delightful little remote cabin where nobody could bother him. His work didn’t know where it was. His parents didn’t know where it was. His friends didn’t know where it was. It was honestly just a pity… He didn’t know where it was. Ewart checked his phone yet again, sighed, and once more tried to retrace his steps. At this moment in time he could really do with his super secret hideaway being just that tiny bit less secret.

Branches Everywhere by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Branches Everywhere

Belinda took a deep breath and stepped into the woods. As usual the trees grabbed at her arms and whispered to her. She shook them off and increased her speed. She passed the strange old cottage made of gingerbread and her stomach rumbled. (She really should get up earlier and eat a bigger breakfast.) Then she passed the little cottage belonging to the seven small men, and as usual one of them leant out the window and offered her the job of becoming their housekeeper. “Just till your prince comes and you get married, of course!” Belinda smiled politely. Absolute gentlemen all of them, but so old fashioned. Hurrying on, she ca

Unfortunate by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Unfortunate

Jennifer entered the Bank of Good Fortunes and apprehensively approached the nearest teller. “Um, hello. Jennifer Endsley. I was asked to come in to talk about my loan repayments?” “Ah, indeed, Ms Endsley. Let me just bring up your details...” The teller reached under the counter and brought up her crystal ball. She set the ball on the counter, passed her hands over it twice and then stared into it. “Now, you had a perfect credit score when we approved your loan to study for your part-time MSc in business. And you have kept up steadily with your repayments since.” Jennifer smiled modestly. “I tak

Something Tasteful by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Something Tasteful

It wasn’t easy being the bard for a queen with musical-gustatory synaesthesia. Standing in the muddy remains of the tournament field, Alice retuned her lute and launched into her third song of the evening. She didn’t get very far. “No, no! Stop!” Queen Hilda looked pained. “That one tastes of old socks. Another!” Alice tried again. “And that one tastes of roses!” “Isn’t… that a good thing, my lady?” asked Consort Timothy cautiously, “Not when the roses have gone all brown and slimy!” From the queen’s other side, Consort Bertha reached out a hand

Adventurous Stuff by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Adventurous Stuff

Bartel’s publisher smiled cautiously. “We’ve looked through your manuscript for the novel now and well… It wasn’t quite what we were expecting.” “No?” Bartel frowned. “But you said you wanted an adventure story.” “Yes, indeed,” said the publisher. “And you said I could let my imagination go wild! Write about trials way beyond my ken!” “Agreed,” said the publisher. “It’s just…” She flicked through the pages. “Your hero having his windows replaced… Being made redundant and having to look for another job…

Going Down Fighting by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Going Down Fighting

It was looking unlikely that Denise would ever get to use her skills professionally again, but apparently it still paid to be a structural engineer during a zombie apocalypse. She’d managed to design and build quite a substantial little tower in her mother’s back garden. Tall enough and unclimbable enough to keep the two of them safe, and with a ladder that could be let down if she ever needed to look for more supplies. It wasn’t much but at least they were alive. “Jonathan’s here again.” Denise’s mother was looking out of the window of their little cabin at the top of the tower. Denise went to jo

A Dryad At School by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

A Dryad At School

When I was in the infants at primary school, there was a dryad in my class for a term or so. At that age you understand someone like that is amazing and unusual but you also simply accept that such marvellous things can happen. Now my adult brain insists that I dreamt or imagined her, and on the rare occasions I’ve bumped into old classmates none of them remember her, but the memories remain so clear. She was a sweet but awkward kid who nevertheless made the effort to join in with all our games. And she never lost a game of hide and seek. I seemed to be the only one who noticed her vanishing into the buddleia bush each time, away in a

Spinning A Yarn by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Spinning A Yarn

Once there was a magpie who collected for his nest every shining thing he could find. One day he discovered the most sparkling thing of all—the coruscating wit of the spiders in the webs. The arachnids indulged in constant merry banter and badinage, happy for the entertainment to go no further than their little community. The magpie took note of these quips and returned to his nest, where he sang out the spiders’ witticisms to a wider audience. Many animals, birds and insects enjoyed these broadcasts and gave him food and prestige in exchange. One day though, the spiders came to visit the magpie and demanded that he stop steali

The Mother of All Invention by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

The Mother of All Invention

Necessity was waving her youngest off to the patent office, a big smile on her face. “Make me proud!” “So what’s next? Have you got another invention planned?” Necessity turned to see her neighbour Making Ends Meet. She shook her head firmly at him. “Nope! I’ve finally got them all out of the house and I’m going to focus on me for a while. I mean, they’re all my babies and I love all ninety-seven billion of them but it’s time for a change. I’m going to do a degree at last. In engineering! I’m going to relax and design things that might make things easier for people, r

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Bedmates by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Bedmates

Sandra would never know if it was because she’d bought a new bed or because it was she’d moved to a new flat. But from the first day at her new address there had been very strange goings-on. She’d lie there awake night after night and hear weird moans and scratching coming from underneath her. At first she tried to put it down to imagination or the natural sounds a building makes as it settles. But as the days went past it was harder to hold onto those explanations. Finally she couldn’t bear it any longer. She looked under the bed. Somewhere in the darkness there was an even darker form. Twisted and misshapen. It s

Bedmates

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All Ducked Up by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

All Ducked Up

Location: the bath Statement taken from: the sponge His name’s Duckie. Yellow; little sailor hat. Been missing three days. And I don’t want to tell any tales but you might start by talking to a ‘friend’ of his who visited every day... Naturally I’m trustworthy. Me, an ‘old soak’? You’re keeping me in custody until I dry out? That’s discrimination! I don’t see the flannel being treated like this. Location: the bath Statement taken from: ‘Ben-Ben’ Frobisher No, I don’t know where Duckie is. I’m suspected of ‘assault and battery’...? I don&

Pull Yourself Together by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Pull Yourself Together

“Welcome, everyone, to the Tuesday morning self-help meeting for curtains, drapes, shutters and blinds!” The group leader looked around, and she smiled. “It’s lovely to see so many new members—especially more blinds! I thought for a while we were going to be a curtains only group!” “Well, curtains are of course the major, and indeed traditional, solution to light control.” A velvet curtain rippled graciously. “But blinds have their place too of course. And they are most welcome in our little group.” A venetian blind waggled its slats. “Thank you, your majesty, I’m sur

It's All Open To Interpretation by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

It's All Open To Interpretation

“So…” said Captain Jacobsen. “Just to recap, Simpkins.” He looked down at the printout of the report. “After stepping out onto the surface of the planet, you encountered one of the sentient lifeforms and held your arms away from your body to indicate that you meant no harm.” Simpkins nodded solemnly. “That is correct, sir.” “However,” continued the captain, his eyes still on the paper, “the lifeform interpreted this as a hostile gesture and so began spiralling their own arms as a precursor to defending themself. You—” He turned the page. “—in

The Flatmate by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

The Flatmate

The first note stuck on the fridge doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been working such long hours, never seeing anyone outside of work—back home far into the night, out again at the crack of dawn. I’m still halfway between reality and dreams, so I don’t even read the note’s message. The angry tone permeates through but that’s all. I just throw the scrap of paper into the bin as I leave. The note when I get home does upset me though: There wasn’t much food in. Why don’t you ever do the fucking shopping? You’re the one who’s out near the shops all day. There may not have been muc

Pronounced Success by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Pronounced Success

It was a lovely day in the dictionary, and PRUNE had decided to go for a wander. It didn’t normally go so far, but it was in the mood to explore and somehow ended up in the B’s. The noun BANG was outside too, sprucing up its definition with some new paint. “Hello!” called PRUNE. BANG waved back. “Hello! Gorgeous day!” PRUNE stopped and nodded approvingly at the noun’s work. “That’s a great definition you’ve got there.” BANG smiled. “Thank you. I like to take good care of it.” “I can see that.” PRUNE stepped closer to admire the definition more, and

Sod's Law by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Sod's Law

“It’s a new initiative,” said the interviewer, leaning back in his chair and toying with his pen. “The job title will be ‘National Scapegoat’, and your role would be to… take the blame for everything.” “Oh, yes?” said Murphy cautiously. The interviewer nodded. “Essentially you’d just be a figurehead—a focus for blame, if you like. But you’d still be expected to write the odd letter of apology… appear on TV to read out statements of apology… And you would have to serve the occasional prison sentence.” He smiled encouragingly. “What d

Delicia of Bodmin by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Delicia of Bodmin

Delicia the Beast hadn’t meant to be so vague and obscure about her origins. But it had just been so freeing to leave the past behind and make an entirely new start. Now, Bodmin was completely her home—so much so that she taught courses in beginners’ Cornish, and supplemented her income by guiding groups of hikers around the moor. The latter was always a good source of cash, as plenty of beasts liked to visit and enjoy the wild countryside. All in all it was a perfect and rather quiet life until— “Oh my God! Someone’s seen a human on Bodmin Moor!” She’d scoffed, of course. You’d have to

But Is It Art? by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

But Is It Art?

Desmond Fleurimond’s work on his latest, secret commission was causing such a buzz in the art world, it had been bound to attract the wrong kind of attention too… A masked figure in black crept into the studio and looked quickly around. “All clear!” she whispered. Two similarly attired men entered and joined her. “Nobody upstairs!” whispered the first. “Same for downstairs,” said the second. “Excellent!” The woman grinned. “Then let’s get this thing and get out.” “So…” The first man looked about. “What exactly is ‘this thing̵

References Available Upon Request by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

References Available Upon Request

“OK,” said the registrar. “That’s all sorted out. The only thing left is a reference from both of you from a former spouse and then your marriage can take place on—” “Hang on,” said Mark. He frowned. “A reference? From a former spouse?” “Yes, indeed.” The registrar smiled at him. “It’s a new requirement. Well, I mean, you have to have references to rent a flat. You have to have references to get a job. You have to have references to adopt! The government felt this was the next natural step. And it will benefit both you and your fiancée. You’re abo

Bloody Hell by SCFrankles, literature

Literature

Bloody Hell

“And so,” said the werewolf, “we will all now share our blood in a solemn blood oath to cement our monstrous alliance!” “Um,” said the mummy. “Er, yes?” said the werewolf. The mummy shrugged. “Well, it’s kind of in the name. I’ve been mummified. I don’t have any blood. Oooh! I do have my brain in a jar somewhere though. Perhaps you could all stick your fingers in that?” “I don’t think that’s quite—” “And what about me?” said the vampire. “I really shouldn’t go about sharing my blood willy-nilly. I could end

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FFM Day 6 - hellhound by IntelligentZombie, literature

Literature

FFM Day 6 - hellhound

Julia avoided the dog park on weekends, on sunny days, and any other time. The park was the perfect place to get exercise and meet people.The last part concerned Julia the most. With an unusually large dog like TiddlyPoof, she’d learned that people rarely looked past surface level. But today, she was on a mission. She was not missing this date (oh my god, oh my god I have a date.) She ignored the widened eyes, the mouths in frightened O’s. Hands tightened on leashes, pulling their own dogs away, as she and her beast passed. TiddlyPoof was over one hundred pounds of lithe, sculpted muscle, complete with frothing jowls, harrowing

A hill with a tree by normalanna, literature

Literature

A hill with a tree

There was always something about my face that people disliked. From an early age I didn’t have many friends, people were choosing to avoid me, rather than getting closer. My parents sent me away from home when I was twelve. They signed me up to the military academy, preferring keeping my other brothers at home. I was studying well and practising hard, perfecting my fencing skills and was lucky enough to be hired as a part of the royal guard not long after finishing the academy. My ugliness served me well, bringing fear over my enemies, but it didn’t bring me much luck in anything else. Honestly, by the age of thirty I got used to how things were, choosing a solitary road with no close friends or partner. My duty in Palace was hard, but it paid well. At night I was sleeping at military quarters and the few free hours I had I tried to spent outside, practising my fencing moves in a usual routine that I knew by heart. My favourite spot was a quiet hill outside the Palace. It was

There's a bottle of moisturizing cream in my brain by Osterkaktus, literature

Literature

There's a bottle of moisturizing cream in my brain

There's a bottle of moisturizing cream in my brain. It's wedged quite tightly, and whenever I accidentally bump into a wall, I squeeze it so a clump of cream falls upon my frontal lobe and crawls down the inside of my forehead. I hate that sliding feeling, and I always have to stop until it is done. Yet, my mother always said that moisturizing cream is essential to good body care. Bottles don't last forever. I wonder when it will run out. Then I will be able to bump my head as much as I want without squeezing anything on my brain. But then it will also just be a bottle stuck in my cranium, with no discernible purpose. Should I fill it up agai

FFM 27 - En Plein Air by inksoaked, literature

Literature

FFM 27 - En Plein Air

My mom often spent her days sitting outside on the porch, drinking wine and painting. She used to say she was like Monet; she liked drinking outside and if you got too close all you’d see is a mess of color. I remember watching her, wild hair and wild laugh, sitting among the rose bushes, as bright swaths of color spattered across the canvas. I remember thinking that she wasn’t a mess. She was beautiful. Springtime was always easier for her most years. She said it was because she was part of the summer court of the Sidhe, and you could tell that because of her left eye that was only halfway brown and the rest of the way v

High Maintenance by DamonWakes, literature

Literature

High Maintenance

Doctor Hewlett checked the next two names on her schedule: Nic Panaso and Mark Lex. She called them in. “So,” she began. “Tell me a little about your relationship: how did you two meet?” “Well,” said Nic. “It was at that electronics superstore—the one just outside of town. We were at the same checkout, and we just sort of clicked. It was like we were made for each other, you know? Like we were meant to be together.” “It’s common to feel that something’s missing once that initial excitement wears off, but you must still see something in each other.”

The Summer of Harry the Hide by KCKinny, literature

Literature

The Summer of Harry the Hide

It’s hard to get anyone to take you seriously when you look like a cowskin rug. Harry wished, maybe for the millionth time, maybe for the billionth time, that he had been born as literally anything else. Perhaps a goat-sucking predator of the Mexican night? A hide-behind, who was never seen but always feared? Or even a stupid man? But no. He was no hide-behind, just a plain old Hide, or, as the locals would scream, “El Cuero!” His parents didn’t understand how he could be tired of the screaming. They didn’t know why he just had to “get out there”, had to see the world, had to leave the comfy cool lake

FFM Day 20 - conversion by IntelligentZombie, literature

The Three Little Construction Sites by Tobaeus, literature

Literature

The Three Little Construction Sites

The wolf crept down the path, following its nose to a meal of fresh pork. It had been days since the wolf last fed, and its stomach demanded to be filled. As it drew nearer its quarry, the scent of fresh pig and old straw grew stronger. Then the wolf was stopped short by another scent. Man was nearby. "Are you kidding me?" The man stood over the pig, which was surrounded by piles of straw. "There's no foundation here! The straw isn't even packed. One good sneeze would leave you homeless. I've got no choice but to condemn this property. You'll have to vacate the premises immediately. Is there someone you can stay with?"