Dung

“So you’re interested in taking on the role of dung sweeper to the elephants who pull the Emperor’s coach?” said the Lord Chancellor.

“I am,” said Simone as she sat on the chair, swinging her legs.

The Lord Chancellor raised his eyebrows. “Do you have much experience in this area?”

Simone gave an awkward grin. “No. But I am only 8.”

“That’s no excuse. Many younger children have a far better work history.” The Lord Chancellor tapped his fingers on the desk. “So tell me: why do you want this job?”

Simone wrinkled her brow. “Well… my parents died and I was thrown out of my home. I need to find somewhere to live.” She stared off into the distance. “Running water. Warmth. Maybe only having to share with 16 or 17 other people.” She looked back at the Lord Chancellor. “I want to work hard and better myself. And be able to buy something to eat.”

“Hmm,” said the Lord Chancellor. “That’s not really what we’re looking for.” He leaned forward over his desk. “I mean: why do you think you’ll enjoy shovelling dung?”

“Um,” said Simone.

The Lord Chancellor waved a hand. “Well, let’s move on.” He picked up the piece of paper in front of him. “In your personal statement, you say you like skipping, tick, kingy, and playing with dolls with your friends. So would you say you’re a team player..?”

“Yes!” said Simone.

“Excellent,” said the Lord Chancellor. He put the paper down. “Though you would in fact be mucking out the four elephants all on your own.”

“Oh,” said Simone.

“It’s more cost effective that way…” The Lord Chancellor gave her a tight smile. “Which brings me on to wages.”

Simone sat up straight.

“Yes,” said the Lord Chancellor. “As you’re 8, we would start you off on quarter pay. You can’t have many expenses at your age.”

Simone’s eyes widened. “Actually, as I said…”

The Lord Chancellor continued on. “Once you’ve completed your training and know how to shovel dung correctly, you’ll go up to half pay. And if you’re still aliv— if you’re still with us at 21, you get full pay!”

Simone frowned. “But I won’t be able to live on quarter or half pay.” Her face cleared. “Oh, but I suppose I could get one or two other jobs as well.”

The Lord Chancellor held up a hand. “Out of the question. We’ll expect you to be fully flexible and available at all times. Who knows when some dung will need to be swept up!”

“Right,” said Simone. Her shoulders slumped. “Well, I suppose I can carry on living in that disused chimney…”

“Perfect,” said the Lord Chancellor. He made a few notes. “So, you’re fully flexible and you’re enthusiastic…” He drew a line under what he’d written. “I think despite your inexperience we can offer you a month’s trial—see if you like us, see if we like you...” He looked up at her. “Unpaid, naturally.”

Simone sighed. “All right then.”





Six months later


“Sir! The elephant dung girl has run away!” cried the Lord Chancellor’s secretary, running into his office.

“What?” said the Lord Chancellor. “But she’s such a hard worker.” He inclined his head. “And so cheap.” He stared at his secretary. “Are you certain?”

The secretary nodded and proffered a note. “She says thanks for the training, but now she’s going to start up her own business as a freelance dung sweeper!”

The Chancellor snatched the note and read it. “The ungrateful little…” His brow furrowed and he looked up. “Release the hunting turtle.”

The secretary paled. “But surely the hounds would be sufficient..?”

“The turtle.” The Chancellor threw the note down. “And just in case we don’t get her back in… one piece—” He gave a half smile. “—pop another advertisement into the Desperate Orphans Gazette.”