Evadne's Birthday

Fandom: Dear Ladies
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Hinge and Bracket were created by Patrick Fyffe and George Logan. Dear Ladies was written by Fyffe and Logan, and Gyles Brandreth, and produced by the BBC.

957 Words



Dame Hilda Bracket tooted on the horn of the Rolls and Doctor Hinge came hurrying out of the house, still adjusting her cardigan.

“Do be patient, Hilda.” Evadne locked the front door and joined her companion in the car.

“At last!” said Hilda. “Anyone would think you didn’t want me to buy you a birthday present.”

Evadne frowned. “I was at a very delicate point in my winemaking.” She looked at Hilda. “And I’ve told you I need a new blouse. I really don’t see why we both need to go and buy it.”

“Because,” said Hilda, “if I buy something I love, you’ll hate it and if I send you on your own, you’ll find something you love, lose your nerve and buy something ‘sensible’ instead. No, this year I’m determined to get you something exactly right.”

She started off down the drive. “It’s perfect timing, really. As it’s July, Ahler’s will have just got their winter collection in.”

Evadne raised her eyebrows. “I simply don’t understand fashion.”

Hilda cast a quick glance at Evadne’s outfit. “I know, dear.”

Evadne pursed her lips but Hilda didn’t notice.

“There’ll be a large selection so we’ll easily find something,” she said. “We’ll be in and out in half an hour.”





They staggered into Ahler’s restaurant and collapsed at a table.

“Three hours!” said Hilda. “Three hours and we haven’t agreed on a single item of clothing.”

She signalled to the waitress who took their order and went off to fetch the requested pot of Darjeeling and a plate of cream cakes.

“So that’s it,” said Evadne, slumping back in her chair. “I’ll be happy to have a new soldering iron instead.”

“Oh, no. I’m not defeated yet,” said Hilda.

Evadne looked at her. “But we’ve been through all the stock. There’s simply nothing left for us to look at.”

“Yes, there is.” Hilda gave a brief glance upwards.

Evadne’s eyes widened. “Not…” Her voice dropped. “…the top floor.”

Hilda gave a conspiratorial wink.

“But they’re so exclusive!” said Evadne. “They asked the Lady Mayoress for two references and they still wouldn’t let her through. And we couldn’t afford anything up there anyway.”

“Yes, I can,” said Hilda. “And I have a plan for getting us in.”





“Right,” said Hilda as they travelled up in the lift. “Let’s go over it again.”

Evadne nodded. “I hide in the… powder room. You distract the security chap. I slip out and make my way through the unguarded door onto the shop floor.”

“Excellent!” said Hilda.

“But,” said Evadne, “how are you going to be able to distract the guard?”

“Well, do you remember that number I did at the over-60s social?”

Evadne looked wary. “You’re not going to get your maracas out again, are you?”

Hilda sighed. “I meant, nobody could take their eyes off me. That, my dear, is star quality.”

The lift doors opened and they stepped out.

“But after I get past, how will you get in?” asked Evadne.

Hilda smiled regally. “I’ll simply tell him who I am.”

Evadne stopped. “So essentially this is a plan to sneak me in.”

“Some of us just have that certain something…” Hilda gestured vaguely and led the way down the corridor.





In the ladies’ Evadne listened intently and at the agreed signal of Hilda singing Regular Royal Queen, she took a deep breath, exited the room and started towards the floor entrance.

She hesitated as she approached the door but the bewildered guard’s attention was completely on her friend. You had to admit that when Hilda was in full flow it was impossible to take your eyes off her. No matter how much you’d like to.

Evadne pushed open the door and stepped inside the top floor.

She stopped dead. Right in front of her was a circular rail of blouses, and almost immediately she saw it. Silk, pale blue, a delicate pattern of white blossom. Luxurious, elegant, tasteful.

“Perfect,” smiled Evadne.

Turning back, she opened the door a fraction to see if Hilda was on her way, just in time to hear: “…yes, but I’m afraid I still can’t let you in.”

Evadne grinned and humming Regular Royal Queen to herself, glided through the door and up to the guard.

“I say, young man.”

The guard took one look at Evadne’s aristocratic demeanour and attempted to curtsey and bow simultaneously.

“This lady is with me. Couldn’t you make an exception, just this once?” said Evadne.

Hilda glared at her but the guard was gazing adoringly at the noble lady smiling at him so sweetly.

“Of course. Of course!” The guard rushed to hold the door open. Evadne nodded at him, and she and Hilda passed through.

“Well,” said Hilda.

“Some of us just have that certain something…” smirked Evadne.





The great day had finally dawned. In the living room of Utopia Ltd, Hilda was humming Happy Birthday to You and flicking through the Stackton Bugle.

“Happy birthday, dear Evadne…” She stopped as something caught her eye in the paper. “Good heavens…”

But then the birthday girl made a grand entrance wearing her new blouse.

“What do you think?” beamed Evadne.

“You look wonderful,” said Hilda, standing up to have a proper look. “Does it fit well? Not too tight under the arms?”

Evadne gave a little twirl. “It’s perfect. I love it.”

“So we won’t have to take it back then?”

“Of course not, Hilda.” Evadne frowned. “Why?”

“Because the top floor at Ahler’s has closed down.” Hilda giggled. “Apparently they were so picky about their customers they weren’t making any money.”

“But how do you know?” asked Evadne.

Hilda picked up the paper and showed the relevant page to her friend.

“They gave an exclusive to the Bugle.”