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The Diary of His Supreme and Condescending Majesty, King Stalwart Prettipaws, the One and Only


14th April

The housemaid has just given birth to a second child. It really is too much. So much noise. So much commotion. The footman appears to have forgotten I exist. I had to give the order twice this morning before I was fed.

However. I am the King - I must be gracious about the situation. They may be just servants but it is their home too. It would be cruel of me to expect them to leave at this stressful time. Perhaps I will go and stay in another palace for a while. My kingdom is certainly large enough for me to be able to find something to my liking.

Of course, there have been all those skirmishes with local pretenders to my throne recently. But I think the situation is now in paw. (No-one can yell and fluff themself up like I can.) It has undeniably been stressful though. And now with the staff reproducing… All in all it might be a good idea to get away for a while. Have a little rest. Just for a few weeks, until things have calmed down.


15th April

I’m brilliant. Only took me the afternoon to find the perfect place. Quiet area, large garden, nice couple in late middle age: another housemaid and footman partnership. I interviewed them: she rubbed me behind the ears and he gave me a whole tin of tuna. Entirely satisfactory. I took possession immediately.

The master bedroom is splendid. Enormous bed. Firm but very comfy. As is the convention with my own staff, the servants insist on sharing it with me. (I've never quite understood this strange custom but I must try and be tolerant.)

After we had all got up (I had to insist for several minutes they get up and give me my breakfast. At least they gave me tuna again) I introduced myself properly: explaining my full title and the rules for addressing me. But they’re having a bit of trouble with the language, and can only manage “Bill”.

It’s typical of humans unfortunately – I think they barely understand a quarter of what I say. It could have been worse though. My other servants called me “Lola” for 8 months. Observation not their strong suit.

I eventually became “Lol”. Which makes people laugh out loud for some reason.


16th April

Bewildering times.

The footman came home with a large plastic bowl that had the side cut out. He placed an old, scruffy cushion in it and then lifted me onto the cushion. I clambered out but he kept on putting me back in. In the end I had to go upstairs to my bed to have a little lie-down and recover from the mental trauma.

The bowl seems to have disappeared again, thank heavens. Who knows what that was all about.


17th April

Had a bit of a lie-in. Didn’t get up until half five.

The housemaid escorted me down and I found the remains of my evening meal still in my bowl. I sat and stared at it for a while and then stared at the housemaid. But she was slumped over at the table with her eyes closed.

I do try not to be an overly demanding master. I accepted tuna wasn’t going to be forthcoming, so I ate the chunky beef and then gave the command to be let out.

You know, despite my vigorous masculine ways, I’m rather an intellectual really. I do like to have a little sit on the doorstep and philosophise before going out and starting my day properly. Have a think about biting, climbing. Tuna. But today the housemaid seemed oddly eager to shut the door. I even thought for a moment I might have felt a hand on my bottom easing me outside.

But I can hardly believe she would be so disrespectful.


20th April

I knew things were going too well.

My enemies have found me! An assassin was dispatched to my current palace!

My heart is still racing. The housemaid and footman seemed to think the stranger was here to service the boiler, but I wasn’t fooled. I was incredibly brave and cunning – I shot into the garden and secreted myself under the cotoneaster, and kept a close eye on the getaway van until the villain gave up searching for me and left. Then I wandered nonchalantly back into the palace and allowed myself to be petted and given tuna.

I will say this for the scoundrel – the boiler is running a great deal more smoothly now.


25th April

No sign of further assassins. In fact, peace and calm for several days. I’ve settled in very nicely. Got the new staff trained up and I feel entirely at home.

Resting on the housemaid’s knee this evening, I must have nodded off. When I returned to consciousness I found her looking down at me with such an expression of devotion and, well, affection I suppose. I really can’t encourage these feelings in a servant – it wouldn’t be proper or decent – but just for a second I was truly moved. I gave her a little pat on the arm and she smiled at me.

Gave my paw a thorough wash afterwards when she wasn’t looking.


29th April

Cried at the window. Was let in. Stayed for 30 seconds. Went out.

Waited 5 minutes.

Cried at the window. Was let in. Stayed for 30 seconds. Went out.

Waited 5 minutes.

Cried at the window. Was let in. Stayed for 30 seconds. Went out.


Yes, that system seems to be working perfectly. It’s important to have these drills.


2nd May

It’s happened. I can’t quite believe it.

I’m in love.


I was trotting up to my bedroom to have a brief nap of 4 or 5 hours, and there she was - lying on the bed waiting for me.

Soft.
Fluffy.
Pink and white stripes with little rosebuds.

They call her “Bedspread”. Oh, Bedspread!

Whenever I can’t find a knee
You’re always there waiting for me
My enchanting mistress of Sweet Repose
I love the way your fluff gets up my nose.


My heart is so full. I’m going to be able to spend the whole night with her. (The servants will be there to chaperone naturally.) Bedspread, my love, I'm coming!


3rd May

I don’t know what happened. I woke up at seven. Most embarrassing.

To mask my confusion in front of Bedspread, I immediately demanded to be taken down. The housemaid was dilly-dallying though. Said she had to “put on trousers. We don’t want to scandalise the neighbours, do we?” Have no idea what the woman is talking about – I never wear trousers.

Perhaps that’s why I’m so popular with the neighbours…


8th May

Damn. It’s been a horrendous day. I’ve slipped and fallen in something, and the staff are rebelling.

The "something" was sticky and persistent, and I couldn’t immediately wash it off, so I went home in order to lie down for a while and recuperate. When I got there the servants refused to obey my orders – they wouldn’t let me go up to Bedspread!

I said some pretty harsh things, things I do regret now. But really – who’s in charge here? The impudent housemaid insisted on having a go with a damp cloth until she finally recognised my displeasure and left me alone. And the staff imprisoned me in the kitchen until the sticky stuff set. It was only then I was allowed up to my room.

It got worse. A strange elderly blanket was placed over Bedspread and I had to lie on her instead. I started to apologise to both coverings – it was hardly a dignified situation for any of us – but partway through I seem to have passed out.

It’s going to take me at least two days to get all this revolting substance out. And I think I might be engaged to the elderly blanket.


10th May

The housemaid and I were in the dining room. She was doing that adorable human thing: holding a bound stack of papers and then staring at each sheet terribly intently. It’s so sweet. Being a good servant though, every so often she would look up and see if I needed anything.

I was on one of the chairs, feeling very comfy. I turned over, stretched out luxuriously, and somehow managed to do an involuntary backward roll off the chair.

She was up in a flash, bless her, but I wasn’t hurt. Unfortunately though she insisted on picking me up and kissing me. I really must have a gentle word with her about professional boundaries.

However, in her favour she did let me go up to Bedspread, despite not all of the sticky stuff being gone yet. Bedspread and I spent a lovely afternoon together, just lazing around. I'm not sure how serious the relationship is going to be though. We never really talk.


11th May

Bedspread has gone! She’s been taken away for “specialist treatment”.

I overheard the housemaid saying to the footman that Bedspread’s probably beyond help. It’s awful. I was upset for nearly 15 minutes.


12th May

A monarch must have appropriate pastimes (and I need to avoid the elderly blanket). Today I went out hunting.

The housemaid said some pretty unladylike things when I brought the rabbit back to the palace. It was dead - I don’t understand why she was making such a fuss. Perhaps it’s the eyes. Humans can be squeamish.

I know – with the next one I’ll eat the head first before taking it home.


13th May

No, bringing home headless rabbits doesn’t seem to be helping.


15th May

AM

I’ve been pondering.

Things have soured between the servants and me since the rabbits. And it's not quite the same here without Bedspread. Also I should probably make a clean break with the elderly blanket.

Maybe the situation at my main palace is a little calmer by now… I think perhaps it’s time I made my way home.


PM

Everyone was gratifyingly pleased to see me again! In acknowledgement of this I allowed the housemaid to hold me for three and a half minutes. Just till the footman had filled my bowl.

The older child seems to be growing out of the grabbing stage and the new baby isn’t too bad I suppose. (Though I can never understand the way some cats get all sentimental over humans.)

I’m not usually the emotional sort, but it really is good to be home. And now my substitute servants can have a rest from my demands. The two of them deserve it. They worked incredibly hard, and were faithful and attentive at all times. I couldn’t have asked for more.

Wonder if I should have said goodbye.
1,807 words. My entry for `ThornyEnglishRose's Anthro Antics Literature Contest. Competition running until 19/10/2013.

My chosen animal is a cat. This is a work of fiction but thank you to S. for allowing me to use incidents from his life as inspiration. Your humble servant always. *bows low*

My story was awarded first prize ^^ :iconlovesqueeplz: The full results can be found here.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-10-20
Fluff by ~SCFrankles ( Suggested by hypermagical and Featured by inknalcohol )
:iconlindartz:
LindArtz Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2014
:D (Big Grin) Clap Clap Clap 
Reply
:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think I forgot to comment on this.  Wow.  Chalk it up to feeling awkward gushing about stuff that I'm supposed to be judging?

I really love this piece.  There are a lot of stories out there from a cat's point of view (just look at the contest pieces), but this one felt fresh.  King Stalwart's voice is so perfect; just the right mix of condescending and confused, with your excellent (and always clever) humor thrown in.  I like the diary format, too.  Diaries always feel like someone is trapped and a little bit desperate to me.  Which fits nicely with King Stalwart.  He's so pretentious, but there's a bit of underlying anxiety, too.  (at least to my mind)

I knew this would end up winning from the first line.
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Did wonder exactly what you thought of it - but I definitely wasn't going to put you on the spot by asking ^^;

Thanks so much :tighthug: I love the way you describe His Majesty ^^ (My work always seems so much more intelligent when you're talking about it :P) I suppose his is a stressful position - he's the king but his subjects don't really understand him and he can't completely control them. And he's never entirely sure what's going on.

Never thought that about diaries (being trapped and desperate) - but, yes, you're right. There's Adrian Mole and Diary of a Nobody... I picked the diary format simply because I had lots of little incidents, and a diary seemed the best (easiest ^^") way of linking them together into a story :D

I'm still thrilled this won. I only entered because you were one of the judges. (To clarify: in order to be supportive ^^") And though I had to work a bit on the story, it's not something I agonised over. It's always the same, isn't it? When you're just enjoying the writing, you produce your best work :giggle:
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It does show when you're enjoying what you're writing.  And I have to agree that this is some of your best work.  Actually, the first thing I thought when I first read it, was that your writing has reached the level of those professionals who live entirely off of what they write.  :heart:

As for the diary thing, that's just how I see them (it's why I can't keep one).  I don't know if anyone else feels that way about them.  But it does add a layer to the vignette-thing.  It's neither a re-telling of someone's life, nor an unrelated series of events, but something in between--and better.
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:iconannmariebone:
AnnMarieBone Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
:painter:  Fabulous writing and so amusing!  I will be keeping a close eye on my two cats from now on!  I found you through Blake Curran and will be definitely be watching you from now on.   :airborne:
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Blake's a good lad, and a wonderful young writer ^^
Thank you so much - I'm so pleased you enjoyed it. Thanks for the fave too :iconcutecatplz: And I've added you to my watch as well ^^
Reply
:iconannmariebone:
AnnMarieBone Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
:painter:  You are most welcome and thank you for the Watch.  Yes, I can see Blake doing big things in the future!  :airborne:
Reply
:iconc-a-harland:
C-A-Harland Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Student Writer
This is so good, I couldn't help but laugh at all the things he got up to. Having owned many cats myself in the past I can saw that you have captured the feline personality expertly.
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you ^^ I'm really pleased that so many cat "owners" (as we foolishly believe ourselves to be ^^) felt that this rang true. Thank you for faving too - that's most kind :tighthug:
Reply
:iconc-a-harland:
C-A-Harland Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Student Writer
You're welcome, it was most deserved.
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is simply fantastic, Frankles. :lmao:
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :D And thanks for faving too ^^
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure! :)
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:iconieatrosepetals:
ieatrosepetals Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You captured this purrfectly..
Reply
:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:giggle: Thank you so much ^^ And thank you for the fave too! :iconcutecatplz:
Reply
:iconieatrosepetals:
ieatrosepetals Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Most welcome! xD
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:icondragoeniex:
dragoeniex Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2013
I read this when you first posted it, and I loved it. Didn't have time to comment, so I kept it in my watch messages. Which I'm just getting around to. ^.^;;

Congrats on the DD! That's awesome! I can definitely see why it was awarded. This is a fun read, and I love the extended use of personification. (Such as the cat giving human/feline attributes to the bedspread when he talks about "her.") I felt a little bad for the couple he was leaving, but here's hoping their lives will be a bit easier for it. ;)
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
(I understand. I'm behind with so many things... ^^")

Thanks so much for the congratulations :D I was really pleased this one got a feature ^^ I didn't think about personification extending to Bedspread, but you're quite right :giggle: (Can't entirely take credit for "Bedspread" - it's kind of a family joke ^^) And I did think of the ending as about how amusingly self-centred His Majesty is - but a few people have expressed sympathy for the poor abandoned couple ^^" I think they'll bounce back ^_^
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:icondragoeniex:
dragoeniex Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2013
(Lol. I'm behind /and/ forgetful. I ended up starting my entry for a competition I badly wanted to enter here 5 hours before it was due. ... I enjoyed anyway, but I could've done without giving myself the heart attack. :P

...Argh. I was actually going to tell you about that one, since it seemed like one you might find fun. Knew I was forgetting something. Sorry. ^_^;; )

Your family must have some interesting inside jokes! And it deserves a feature. I was surprised at how long you kept it going while still keeping it entertaining. Most of the comical works I've seen that go into the minds of cats only last a couple of pages. But there's enough going on here to have a story beyond just "oh lol, he's a cat."  Judging has probably already passed, but I hope you at least place in that anthro competition.
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
(If you're talking about the Frankentales contest.... I knew. *sighs* I sent off for my prompts immediately. I stared at my prompts. I thought about my prompts. I gave up. I'm not the most creative of writers ^^")

Fluff is based rather heavily on incidents in the feline lodger's life - I just had to find a way to link them all together into a story :D Er, I'm not sure about the competition. A chum is judging and she made an enigmatic remark about having to work out what the DD meant for the contest. I'm keeping my fingers crossed my entry isn't going to get disqualified ^^" Btw, are you going to enter this contest: fav.me/d6rlnh7? It's open to everyone now. I'm doing Edward Lear - already working on my piece ^_^
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:icondragoeniex:
dragoeniex Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2013
(May I ask what they were? Don't feel too bad. I looked at the other entries, and there were some really hard combinations given out.)

*laughs* Your lodger must keep you on your toes. And I hope you get to stay in the entries as well. Earning a different award hasn't changed the quality of your piece at all. As long as the judges don't let it affect their opinions of your piece or other entries, it shouldn't be a problem.

I was considering it, but I can't think of an author I know intimately enough to imitate well. I once used an assignment to write a continuation of Ambrose Bierce's "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge"- wordiness and all. But that's the only work of his I know, and I don't have a lot of time to read between assignments. o.o 
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
(My prompts were: "The story is about a garbage man," and "the story involves an insane police chief." The words to be included were: "hustle, acrobat, spell, binge". My idea was to have the bin man (as we say in my neck of the woods ^^) collecting discarded people - pupils who weren't going to be able to pass exams and so were going to negatively affect their schools' place in the league tables, workers who had been made redundant, the entire graduating year of the local university ^^" I thought perhaps the police chief could have been discarded because he had a history of mental illness. They would be taken off for recycling - found new schools and jobs. But it would turn out there was far too much "recycling" and most of them were being sent to "landfill". Not a terrible idea, but I just couldn't get it to spring into life - I didn't know what to do with it.)

Ah, Ambrose Bierce ^^ - I had a passing acquaintance with "The Devil's Dictionary". I did think exactly the same as you - that I didn't know any author's style well enough, but it occurred to me that I could do something with Lear's style of limericks. I have a talent for limericks - not exactly something to boast about but there you go :D
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:iconkatzydavus:
KatzyDavus Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
so much love :'D
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you ^^ And thank you for the fave too! :iconcutecatplz:
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:iconginko-333:
Ginko-333 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Awesome! :3
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you ^^ And thank you so much for the fave! :happybounce:
Reply
:iconginko-333:
Ginko-333 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yup! :3
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013
Too true.
Reply
:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
In my household certainly ^^
Thank you so much for the fave!  Maracas 
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013   Writer
This started out funny and well-written, but then I got to this part:

I will say this for the scoundrel – the boiler is running a great deal more smoothly now.

- and that won me over completely. Well done on this overall. :D
Reply
:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I do like that line :D

Thank you so much for all your kind words, and for the fave too ^^ :huggle:
Reply
:iconthe-madder:
The-Madder Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Suberbly written- though I felt you should have held out the reveal a few days further. Yet it's still very funny.

Great work.

.M
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you ^^

To be honest, I don't really think of it as a reveal - I'm hoping there's enough clues that it's obvious almost immediately that the narrator is a cat. But I agree that the story could be a bit longer. I was rather impatient to get it finished, I think ^^"

Thank you so much for the fave, and the watch too! :D
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:iconthe-madder:
The-Madder Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
*superbly
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:iconjanuarywolf:
JanuaryWolf Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Hobbyist
This made my day, as a proud housemaid of Her Majesty Mabelle Marie Marlow. I'm sure she's quite put out with me for not feeding her her delishious wet cat food, though I hope I can regain her favor by offering many cuddles and strokes. Perhaps even a treat or two. Congrats on your DD! ^^
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That is a brilliant name :giggle: And you sound like a noble and faithful servant :D
Thank you so much, and thank you for the fave! :iconcutecatplz:
Reply
:iconpurplegc:
purplegc Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is adorable and beyond funny! XD You did very well to capture the mentality of a cat. Loved it! Also, congrats on the DD! 
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, and thank you for the watch too! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconpurplegc:
purplegc Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem! :3 I look forward to more~
Reply
:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I spend a lot of time anticipating the feline lodger's needs, so I flatter myself I know a little of what's going on in his mind :giggle:

Thank you very much for all your kind words, and for the fave too ^^
Reply
:icongwendolyn12:
Gwendolyn12 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
This is the most amazing thing I've seen today. I love it.:giggle:
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's such a lovely thing to say - thank you :huggle: And thank you for the fave too! ^^
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :w00t:
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:iconcellyangiechowski:
cellyangiechowski Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Student General Artist
By the second entry I already understood that this was a cat narrating. Haha. Hah. Cats. I have one myself.
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Cats are lovely, aren't they? ^^ :iconcutecatplz:

I'm pleased you could tell early on that the narrator was a cat - that I'd put enough clues in ^^" And thank you so much for the fave!
Reply
:iconcellyangiechowski:
cellyangiechowski Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Student General Artist
I probably should have figured from the title, but I just kind of skimmed over that, which I apologize for. XD But, yes, this was very cute and bravo! You're welcome!
Reply
:icon12freddofrogs:
12Freddofrogs Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
Amazing. Well deserving of a Daily Deviation.
Reply
:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you - that's very kind ^_^
Reply
:iconaquagalaxy:
AquaGalaxy Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
congrats to your DD! >w<
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