Fluff

The Diary of His Supreme and Condescending Majesty, King Stalwart Prettipaws, the One and Only


14th April

The housemaid has just given birth to a second child. It really is too much. So much noise. So much commotion. The footman appears to have forgotten I exist. I had to give the order twice this morning before I was fed.

However. I am the King - I must be gracious about the situation. They may be just servants but it is their home too. It would be cruel of me to expect them to leave at this stressful time. Perhaps I will go and stay in another palace for a while. My kingdom is certainly large enough for me to be able to find something to my liking.

Of course, there have been all those skirmishes with local pretenders to my throne recently. But I think the situation is now in paw. (No-one can yell and fluff themself up like I can.) It has undeniably been stressful though. And now with the staff reproducing… All in all it might be a good idea to get away for a while. Have a little rest. Just for a few weeks, until things have calmed down.


15th April

I’m brilliant. Only took me the afternoon to find the perfect place. Quiet area, large garden, nice couple in late middle age: another housemaid and footman partnership. I interviewed them: she rubbed me behind the ears and he gave me a whole tin of tuna. Entirely satisfactory. I took possession immediately.

The master bedroom is splendid. Enormous bed. Firm but very comfy. As is the convention with my own staff, the servants insist on sharing it with me. (I've never quite understood this strange custom but I must try and be tolerant.)

After we had all got up (I had to insist for several minutes they get up and give me my breakfast. At least they gave me tuna again) I introduced myself properly: explaining my full title and the rules for addressing me. But they’re having a bit of trouble with the language, and can only manage “Bill”.

It’s typical of humans unfortunately – I think they barely understand a quarter of what I say. It could have been worse though. My other servants called me “Lola” for 8 months. Observation not their strong suit.

I eventually became “Lol”. Which makes people laugh out loud for some reason.


16th April

Bewildering times.

The footman came home with a large plastic bowl that had the side cut out. He placed an old, scruffy cushion in it and then lifted me onto the cushion. I clambered out but he kept on putting me back in. In the end I had to go upstairs to my bed to have a little lie-down and recover from the mental trauma.

The bowl seems to have disappeared again, thank heavens. Who knows what that was all about.


17th April

Had a bit of a lie-in. Didn’t get up until half five.

The housemaid escorted me down and I found the remains of my evening meal still in my bowl. I sat and stared at it for a while and then stared at the housemaid. But she was slumped over at the table with her eyes closed.

I do try not to be an overly demanding master. I accepted tuna wasn’t going to be forthcoming, so I ate the chunky beef and then gave the command to be let out.

You know, despite my vigorous masculine ways, I’m rather an intellectual really. I do like to have a little sit on the doorstep and philosophise before going out and starting my day properly. Have a think about biting, climbing. Tuna. But today the housemaid seemed oddly eager to shut the door. I even thought for a moment I might have felt a hand on my bottom easing me outside.

But I can hardly believe she would be so disrespectful.


20th April

I knew things were going too well.

My enemies have found me! An assassin was dispatched to my current palace!

My heart is still racing. The housemaid and footman seemed to think the stranger was here to service the boiler, but I wasn’t fooled. I was incredibly brave and cunning – I shot into the garden and secreted myself under the cotoneaster, and kept a close eye on the getaway van until the villain gave up searching for me and left. Then I wandered nonchalantly back into the palace and allowed myself to be petted and given tuna.

I will say this for the scoundrel – the boiler is running a great deal more smoothly now.


25th April

No sign of further assassins. In fact, peace and calm for several days. I’ve settled in very nicely. Got the new staff trained up and I feel entirely at home.

Resting on the housemaid’s knee this evening, I must have nodded off. When I returned to consciousness I found her looking down at me with such an expression of devotion and, well, affection I suppose. I really can’t encourage these feelings in a servant – it wouldn’t be proper or decent – but just for a second I was truly moved. I gave her a little pat on the arm and she smiled at me.

Gave my paw a thorough wash afterwards when she wasn’t looking.


29th April

Cried at the window. Was let in. Stayed for 30 seconds. Went out.

Waited 5 minutes.

Cried at the window. Was let in. Stayed for 30 seconds. Went out.

Waited 5 minutes.

Cried at the window. Was let in. Stayed for 30 seconds. Went out.


Yes, that system seems to be working perfectly. It’s important to have these drills.


2nd May

It’s happened. I can’t quite believe it.

I’m in love.


I was trotting up to my bedroom to have a brief nap of 4 or 5 hours, and there she was - lying on the bed waiting for me.

Soft.
Fluffy.
Pink and white stripes with little rosebuds.

They call her “Bedspread”. Oh, Bedspread!

Whenever I can’t find a knee
You’re always there waiting for me
My enchanting mistress of Sweet Repose
I love the way your fluff gets up my nose.

My heart is so full. I’m going to be able to spend the whole night with her. (The servants will be there to chaperone naturally.) Bedspread, my love, I'm coming!


3rd May

I don’t know what happened. I woke up at seven. Most embarrassing.

To mask my confusion in front of Bedspread, I immediately demanded to be taken down. The housemaid was dilly-dallying though. Said she had to “put on trousers. We don’t want to scandalise the neighbours, do we?” Have no idea what the woman is talking about – I never wear trousers.

Perhaps that’s why I’m so popular with the neighbours…


8th May

Damn. It’s been a horrendous day. I’ve slipped and fallen in something, and the staff are rebelling.

The "something" was sticky and persistent, and I couldn’t immediately wash it off, so I went home in order to lie down for a while and recuperate. When I got there the servants refused to obey my orders – they wouldn’t let me go up to Bedspread!

I said some pretty harsh things, things I do regret now. But really – who’s in charge here? The impudent housemaid insisted on having a go with a damp cloth until she finally recognised my displeasure and left me alone. And the staff imprisoned me in the kitchen until the sticky stuff set. It was only then I was allowed up to my room.

It got worse. A strange elderly blanket was placed over Bedspread and I had to lie on her instead. I started to apologise to both coverings – it was hardly a dignified situation for any of us – but partway through I seem to have passed out.

It’s going to take me at least two days to get all this revolting substance out. And I think I might be engaged to the elderly blanket.


10th May

The housemaid and I were in the dining room. She was doing that adorable human thing: holding a bound stack of papers and then staring at each sheet terribly intently. It’s so sweet. Being a good servant though, every so often she would look up and see if I needed anything.

I was on one of the chairs, feeling very comfy. I turned over, stretched out luxuriously, and somehow managed to do an involuntary backward roll off the chair.

She was up in a flash, bless her, but I wasn’t hurt. Unfortunately though she insisted on picking me up and kissing me. I really must have a gentle word with her about professional boundaries.

However, in her favour she did let me go up to Bedspread, despite not all of the sticky stuff being gone yet. Bedspread and I spent a lovely afternoon together, just lazing around. I'm not sure how serious the relationship is going to be though. We never really talk.


11th May

Bedspread has gone! She’s been taken away for “specialist treatment”.

I overheard the housemaid saying to the footman that Bedspread’s probably beyond help. It’s awful. I was upset for nearly 15 minutes.


12th May

A monarch must have appropriate pastimes (and I need to avoid the elderly blanket). Today I went out hunting.

The housemaid said some pretty unladylike things when I brought the rabbit back to the palace. It was dead - I don’t understand why she was making such a fuss. Perhaps it’s the eyes. Humans can be squeamish.

I know – with the next one I’ll eat the head first before taking it home.


13th May

No, bringing home headless rabbits doesn’t seem to be helping.


15th May

AM

I’ve been pondering.

Things have soured between the servants and me since the rabbits. And it's not quite the same here without Bedspread. Also I should probably make a clean break with the elderly blanket.

Maybe the situation at my main palace is a little calmer by now… I think perhaps it’s time I made my way home.


PM

Everyone was gratifyingly pleased to see me again! In acknowledgement of this I allowed the housemaid to hold me for three and a half minutes. Just till the footman had filled my bowl.

The older child seems to be growing out of the grabbing stage and the new baby isn’t too bad I suppose. (Though I can never understand the way some cats get all sentimental over humans.)

I’m not usually the emotional sort, but it really is good to be home. And now my substitute servants can have a rest from my demands. The two of them deserve it. They worked incredibly hard, and were faithful and attentive at all times. I couldn’t have asked for more.

Wonder if I should have said goodbye.