Life Begins At 40

(Meanwhile, over in Parallel Universe 35—55…)


“Now pay attention, class!” said the twenty-something teacher. “This is very important.”

She clicked on ‘play’, and the video began.


In a concert hall, a man with greying hair and a developing paunch is giving a talk to teenagers.

“...and that in a nutshell is your basic guide to mortgages!”

The teenagers whoop and clap.

The man waits for the applause to die away. “And now it’s time to talk about pensions—it’s never too early to start thinking about your retirement!”

More whooping and applause. A few girls scream in excitement.


Afterwards we see a group of girls discussing the talk.

“Wasn’t it brilliant?” says a tall girl in a jacket and skirt.

“Yes,” agrees a girl in a beige cardigan. “I loved the bit about pensions!”

“And when we got to the section about prepaid funeral plans, I thought I was going to die!” gushes a girl in elasticated trousers.

A fourth girl in a halter neck top, and a short skirt in a bright pattern looks shyly on, obviously wanting to join in the conversation but unsure how to.

“So,” says Beige Cardigan, “what are you all up to tonight?”

“I’m going to go home, have some tea, watch a bit of telly and then go to bed early,” says Jacket and Skirt.

“Oh, that sounds brilliant,” says Elasticated Trousers. “I think I’ll do that too.”

“Yeah! Me too…” says the shy girl.

The other three look at her.

“Really?” says Jacket and Skirt.

The shy girl nods vigorously. “Yes, of course I will.”

Elasticated Trousers laughs. “No, you won’t! Do you want to know what I think you’ll be doing tonight?”

“What?” says the shy girl, looking miserable.

“You’re going to put on lots of makeup and pretend to be 18,” says Elasticated Trousers. “Then you’ll go out drinking, and go on after to a club. You’ll dance for hours, snog 27 different people, and come home in a taxi at 3 in the morning, stopping enroute to throw up.” She smiles condescendingly. “I bet that’s what you’ll actually be doing, isn’t it?”

The shy girl looks on the verge of tears. “Yeah. S’pose,” she mutters.

The other girls burst out laughing and start to leave.

“God,” says Beige Cardigan. “You’re such a geek.”


We see the shy girl making her way home. But on the way, she sees a sensible trouser suit in a department store window. She pauses, and then enters the shop.

We see her taking the suit into a fitting room…


The scene changes to a studio, where a 17 year old female presenter directly addresses the camera.

“And so you see the dangers of peer pressure,” she solemnly tells the audience. “Remember: no matter what anyone says, being middle-aged is not cool. Please—just don’t do it!”